I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
