I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I want to fling myself into the sun
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
