Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
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We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
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My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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