Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Randomize
