Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
