where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
