i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
