Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
