don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
