grandma shit on top of the toilet
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
