my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
