I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
