Don't you send me to vm
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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