I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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