I haven't been this sober since birth.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
