Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
