beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
