He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
