remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
