I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
