matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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