meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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