I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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