I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
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I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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