The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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