Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
