Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
