Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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