Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
