You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
