college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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