I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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