I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
