don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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