I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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