I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
