Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
