drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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