You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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