Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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