Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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