I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
