Three words: puerto rican gang bang
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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