The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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