i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
