you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
