T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
being pregnant is like rehab
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
its liver damage thursday
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
