your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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