When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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