it's like heaven, but drunker
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
