You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
