my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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