dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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