her vagine was all disorganized.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Houston, we have a blender
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You were trust falling into bushes
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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