I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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