I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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